Photo: Christian Ostrosky
1. You type of wish his mother was yours, however you variety of don’t.
The Argentine suegra is a sweetest of paradoxes: an all-cooking, all-laundering, all-kissing-and-hugging machine, who also form of hates both you and believes you could never be good enough on her baby. Who’s 37, furthermore. And only got his or her own place this past year. Two doors down from her place.
2. You’re influenced to check his bedroom for hidden cameras.
Why else would he be piecing together this kind of elaborate choreography of porn moves? Get real, sure, you’re an open-minded girl, nevertheless guy makes porn look sensitive and realistic. Also, there’s an excellent line between French kissing and feeling like you’re being enthusiastically greeted with a German shepherd. Actually, it’s not even that fine.
3. He has more hair than you.
Your novio follically resembles a hybrid between Cindy Crawford and mid-80s-era Bon Jovi. Bigger a monobrow to place the Gallagher brothers to shame. As he takes his shirt off for the beach, youngsters escape, screaming.
4. It is important to fight him for control over the mirror.
And the head of hair dryer. If he touches the crimping irons, you’re due to there.
5. He requires a deep involvement in sports neither you nor he ever knew he was excited about.
We aren’t even talking about fútbol — that’s a total different animal. If your major tournament becomes mainstream, you lose all command over the remote since he feels an urgent, passionate will need to support his country, whether it’s volleyball, field hockey, tennis, or some other sport you previously considered the domain of nice old tea-sipping ladies.
6. He puts your available orifice count at three, while you’d always hoped it’d be the two.
Sometimes it appears every Argentine man you have home (accessible on, you’ve taken home a couple of) has unorthodox snooker ideas, in that as opposed to potting the pink, he applies the brown. Even though you’ve strictly no-noed any unexpected products in the bagging area, he’s still working to get his fingers on the internet for at every opportunity. Is a thing hidden on the internet for? Perhaps there is something he knows that you simply don’t?
7. When socializing together with his kind he turns vaguely simian.
At drunken parties, he pertains to male friends by linking arms and jumping up, grunting. When seated in the pavement café with like-minded peers, the passing of women is greeted with the kind of noise employed in other countries for shooing away pets.
8. He’s worried about foreign imports.
He dismisses much subtitled popular culture as “mierda yanqui,” no matter its origin. He eschews exotic foods, like fish. He considers yoga gay but is still reluctant to use this sort of foreign word and pronounces it “guy.”
9. He permits you to call him up “gordo” and “negro” and takes them as terms of endearment.
As long as they keeps calling you “flaca,” you’re not complaining.
10. Discussion him this content, he takes offense.
“Baby,” he tells, “but dees ees yast a leest of lazy stereotypes wreetten by way of lazy gringo.” He might employ a point.